Hi, how you doing? Welcome to the show.
I'm heading to Hollywood Boulevard to hang out with my friend Bob Goldthwait.
Actually, I've never really met him.
We're supposed to hang out for the show, pretend we know each other.
Anyway, see you over there.
The most compelling actor in America...
... makes his long-awaited solo theatrical debut.
It's Tom Cruise, Dress Casual.
Thank you. Thank you.
I thought Andy Warhol was dead.
Come on! Let's go!
See Tom as you've never seen him before...
... as he re-creates some of his best-loved roles live.
Raymond.
Thank you. Thank you.
No, we can't... We can't stop at Kmart, Raymond.
I know you're definitely not wearing any underwear. It's very obvious.
I love you, Raymond.
You're my brother.
Step out of the rain as Tom gets born again.
Face it!
Here's your lousy war!
Thank you.
Tom cruises down Broadway.
Tom Cruise, Dress Casual. Don't miss the magic.
One night only at the Long Beach Civic Center.
1/2 price surf and turf dinner from Mr. Rib upon presentation of ticket stub.
We're here on Hollywood Boulevard with my good friend Bobcat Goldthwait.
- How you doing, Bob? - Pleasure to meet you.
Yeah, we always say that when we first see each other. Nice to meet you.
- It's like a little thing we play... - No, I don't know you. I never met you.
Okay, I'll play along. Nice to meet you.
So I'm really glad I could have you on the show. It's gonna be a lot of fun.
I'm a little baffled. What is this show?
It's like a comedy show. We show little films. It's really just fun. Fun comedy.
But am I here because it's kitschy to have me on?
Are you having me on because it's funny to have me on?
Or do you genuinely think I'm funny?
Yes, I think you're great. I'm a big fan of yours.
Because if I'm Fox's idea of a celebrity, you're in a lot of trouble.
I'm about eight months away from doing boat shows with David Hasselhoff.
Meet Bobcat and the Knight Rider.
Why don't we go to our first little piece, all right?
We'll come back and... All right?
Yeah, it's your show, Ben. Go ahead!
Good friend, Bobcat Goldthwait.
They're young. They're cool. They've got style.
And they should have graduated from high school years ago.
They're the kids of Melrose Heights 902102402.
Meet Devin, handsome, attractive and good-looking.
He's almost got it all.
Britton. She's beautiful, pretty and gorgeous.
And she's got Devin.
Tank, Britton's older brother and Devin's best friend.
He's just as attractive as Devin, only with slightly different sideburns.
They're not as pointy.
Anna, an exchange student who's learning that...
...America is more than just a language.
Spider. All he's ever had is his music.
Kind of.
Vaughn, a sassy, impish prankster...
... with a twinkle in his eye and a secret.
And Akeem...
... the black guy.
They're today's young adults, dealing with today's problems.
Why me?
- Why me? Why me? - Devin...
What's wrong with you lately? You've been acting so...
...I don't know, strange or something.
I know, Britton.
It's just...
...I've got...
...a headache.
I'm scared.
Now, you gotta listen to me. It's gonna be okay.
Spider, did you hear? Devin's got a headache.
I know.
Just try to relax, Britton.
But I don't even know what to do. I don't know how to talk to him anymore.
Talk to him the way you always did...
...only not as loud.
What?
Tank, I heard Devin has got a headache. Do you think we might catch it?
I don't think so. It's locked in his head.
It starts here and moves to the back of my head...
...like a herd of buffalo got into my brain.
Some pep rally this turned out to be.
- Word! - Where is everybody anyways?
Hey, who are we kidding? It's all my fault.
Nobody wants to hang around a guy who's got a bad headache.
My grandmother had a headache once, and it went away.
People are ignorant.
Word!
Devin!
I don't care if you have a headache. I still love you.
Tank, I'm sorry. I thought you were Devin.
Britton. Spider. Anna. Vaughn. Akeem. Tank. And Devin.
Different people with different hairstyles but one thing in common:
A dream of making it.
Melrose Heights 902102402.
It's Fox-errific!
Pretty nice. Do you have one of these, like, in an extra-large?
It's just a joke, Bob. We're not really...
A joke now. Wait three months. This show's a hit!
Anyway, you know, we're gonna promote the show. I think the show...
If you're gonna promote the show and sell stuff...
...you should go on The Tonight Show. Urkel went on The Tonight Show.
You know how many Urkel-O's he sold going on there?
- Urkel-O's? No. - Urkel-O's.
No, I didn't hear the figures on that, but, you know...
The Tonight Show's good because Johnny's the father of comedy.
Yeah, well, Johnny's gone now.
Yeah, and he never asked me on the show.
- Don't... - He's the father of comedy, and...
My daddy doesn't love me.
It's okay. It's all right. Don't... Don't...
It's not like that, really.
Tonight Show auditions. First up, Jay Leno.
I can't believe you're making me do this. You know you're gonna give it to me.
Steven Seagal.
I don't like this curtain here. You know, it's a little...
Think maybe I could kick down a door?
William Shatner.
Man, was it hot in Burbank today.
How hot was it?
Sinéad O'Connor.
It's disgusting to tell a joke when there's so much suffering in the world.
It was so hot...
Todd Bridges.
Hi, welcome to The Tonight Show. I'm Todd Bridges.
Next.
In fact, you fat, American swine make me sick.
How sick are you?
You better pack it in, you tosser.
You know, I tell a joke. That's all I do. I tell jokes.
I don't do the teatime theater.
I just... I tell jokes. You know, "On the home front..."
"Did you read the paper today?" This is what I do. It's pretty simple, really.
Spock.
Blood, sweat and tears.
What we'll be forced to drink after the global environmental apocalypse.
What do you know about suffering? Your whole life is frivolous and petty.
You spend your day worrying whether one of your tenants is gay.
It's just a part I play.
A part you chose to play, sir.
So, Norman, have you ever killed a guy, or what?
Where is Johnny?
Johnny quit the show. I'm trying to get his job here. Help me out.
- The job is open? - There's no host. The job is open.
All I can say is, good luck.
Look, old man, if you won't step aside, I think somebody's got to take you out.
Let's go. Right here, right now.
Okay, but I'm warning you, I'm feeling a little under the weather!
Look at us! Is this what you want?
You've pitted us against each other like animals in a cage.
For what?
A silly late-night talk show?
Do you know what it is to feel...
...to love?
I got it. They gave it to me.
I got the show. All that kissing up paid off.
Time to kiss up to Mr. Jay.
Yes, it's all behind us. The plant is mine.
Somebody get rid of Johnny's mug.
Could we get Doc Severinsen on the phone? I have to tell him something.
We're on Hollywood Boulevard still with Bobcat Goldthwait.
I love coming down to Hollywood Boulevard. You know why?
People from all over the world come here.
People from all over the world come here to America to meet our crack addicts.
It's really touching.
How are you enjoying the show? You having a good time here?
I want to leave.
- You want to leave? - I wanna get off the show. Is that cool?
Yeah, but we're not over yet. Can you hang out?
I'm sorry. I've got an American Gladiators at 12:00.
Why don't you use this guy?
- He can finish up for me. - You can't.
- He's really good. - Hi, how's it going?
Bob? Bob?
That's great. That's great the way you do that.
He doesn't really...
We'll be right back in a second.
America's going nuts for Fox's newest comedy smash, Skank.
Skank, you're home.
Shut your stinking trap!
People Magazine says, "He's Lamb Chop with an attitude."
Where's my headcheese?
Why don't you check behind the eggs.
Why don't you...
Shut your stinking trap!
Entertainment Weekly calls him, "Archie Bunker with pink hair."
I will not have a blubber-chewing igloo jockey rubbing noses with my daughter!
What do I look like? A baby seal?
LIFE magazine says, "It's like Married... with Children with heart. "
If you do that, I will dig a hole and bury you alive!
Bye!
- Who was that, honey? - My mom.
Also starring Norman Fell as crazy Uncle Charlie.
Here's the juicer you wanted. What are you gonna make?
Idiot juice. Now, jump in.
And Time Magazine asks, "Sock puppet or comic genius?"
Shut your stinking traps!
And we say, " This sock will warm more than your feet. "
Honey, your stinking trap is the greatest.
Skank. Something on Fox smells funny.
ESPN...
... and the World Tennis Organization...
... present a different kind of made-for-cable movie.
In a city full of crime...
- Shut up! Shut up! - No!
- ... he's serving up justice. - Give up the purse.
Tennis star Andre Agassi is taking it to the net in:
Advantage Agassi.
With Armand Assante as the evil drug lord, Ramirez.
Blow him away.
Ernie Hudson as Captain Willie Jones.
Damn it, Agassi, you're out of bounds!
Turn in your racket.
Fine.
And introducing Martina Navratilova as Cyborg 40 Love.
Tennis, anyone?
He's fully endorsed and ready for action. But in a game of doubles...
This is a game of doubles!
... he's been playing singles way too long.
You've played singles way too long.
Now there's word on the street that that showoff, Agassi, is back in the game.
So the word on the street is that that showoff, Agassi, is back in the game.
And this time, he's got his court reserved.
I'm so sorry, but I've got this court reserved now.
He's in top form, but there are no byes in this tournament.
And he's facing his toughest opponent ever.
Just don't tell him his backhand needs work.
Your backhand needs work!
Andre Agassi in his dramatic cable debut:
Advantage Agassi.
Have a nice set, Mr. Agassi.
Advantage Agassi.
A high-strung, grand slam, scruffy-faced, blind judge, groundstroke winner.
We're back, and we're riding around Hollywood in a fantasy tour bus.
Anyway, I thought we'd go to my video diary.
Okay, pray tell, what is your video diary, man?
It's excerpts from my life that I've taped over the years.
Tonight we're gonna show when I was 16, I went to my first Van Halen concert.
We'll just watch it over here.
- You feel like Pauly Shore right now? - Don't say that.
I'm trying to just do a show.
- So I watch right here? - Yeah.
- But there's nothing here. - I know. Just pretend, okay?
I'm really not doing Pauly Shore, am I?
Actually, Pauly Shore's not bad. Teenagers need a new Ernest.
Okay, hello, video diary. It's August 12, 1982.
I'm sorry. I can't talk because I got to get to the Van Halen concert.
That's right. General admission seating!
Did I mention who I'm going with?
Sarah Dalton.
Yes! I don't know how it happened, but I am going with Sarah Dalton.
She is coming with me.
Actually, she's gonna meet me there by the snack stand.
I'm getting there early, stake out ground for us to have an intimate moment.
And then when Eddie V. Is ripping into his wicked solo on "Jamie's Cryin"'...
...that's when I make my little move on Sarah.
We're gonna have a good, good time. Sarah. Sarah!
Ben, you better hurry up if you want to get a good spot.
Well, I gotta go, because I have to meet a certain person at a certain concert.
Rock 'n' roll is here to stay.
It's me again, and...
All I can say is, you know, if you have your blanket down...
...that means that's where you're sitting.
And you shouldn't lose your spot when you go to the bathroom.
I kept... You know, nobody owns grass.
You looked like you'd been at one of my concerts.
- I know, it's... - I mean, you looked good.
I forgot about that end part. It was really bad.
You know, your show misses one thing.
What's that?
Sketches with me in it. I had an idea. I thought maybe...
No, listen. I thought maybe like we could be Wayne and Garth.
Or Garth and Wayne, whichever one you want to be.
They've done that on Saturday Night Live.
It'd be you and me as Wayne and Garth, and then I thought, at the end...
...you ask me something, and I go, "Not!" I think that would be funny.
That's great. I think we should think about it.
I love when I hear somebody say, "Not." I think that's funny.
We'll be right back, and we'll work on that.
Not!
Kids, here's a way to phone your favorite new TV star...
... and have your parents foot the bill.
Someone answer the stinking phone!
That's right! Exciting, live and uncensored...
... one-on-one conversations with Skank himself!
What are you wearing, sweetie?
Only $3.95 for the first minute.
Quick, go get your mommy's credit card.
Call now. Skank is waiting.
Where's she usually keep her stinking purse?
Call 1-900- 123-SYST That's 1-900...
Shut your stinking trap!
We got a match that this is a witch out here, so we're gonna check it out.
Constable, I heard cries of a witch.
- Where? - By the Miller farm by the ridge.
- I can't hear you! I can't hear you! - She's a witch!
- Who the hell are you? - Shut up!
Good sir, this woman is the spawn of Satan.
- You're a liar. - Hang on a second.
First of all, who are you?
- Hey, Johnny! - I got him! I got him!
Come back!
- You got a kid, right? Right? - Yes, sir.
What happens to the kid you get burned at the stake? Who takes care of the kid?
- I swear, sir, I am not a witch. - Beelzebub?
Ask her about the blood. She was drinking blood!
- Liar! - Hey, hotshot. Step it back.
Step off.
- All right, watch him. - He...
Shut up. Shut up!
Your buddy here says this woman's a simple prostitute...
...and you were refusing to pay.
Of course he'd say that. He's a witch too.
- That is a lie! - Shut up!
- Arrest him! - Shut up!
I don't think you're a witch, but when a complaint's filed, it's up to the magistrate.
- They're witches, all of them. - I wish I were a witch. I'd hex you!
Everything will turn out all right.
We'll take them to the village, put them in a cauldron of water.
If they drown, we know they weren't witches.
- I missed my kid's birthday again. - Jeez!
That's it. We're about out of time. I'd like to thank Bobcat Goldthwait.
- It was a pleasure meeting you. - You were great.
I was great? I didn't even do anything.
You didn't put me in a sketch. All I did was talk.
That was... Next time, you can...
- How about I direct? Let me direct. - No, Bob. That's funny.
- Give the guy back the camera. - No, go ahead.
Bob, it's not my camera, okay. It's a rental.
Bob! Can somebody...? Come on! Bob!
Give me the camera!
Hey, you, come here.
Come here.
Shut your trap!
- I am not a witch. - She was drinking blood.
- Ask about the blood. - That's a lie.
Hey, hotshot. Back it off, all right?
I want a statement out of you, I'll get it.
All right, you got an old man? Someone you shacked up with?
- No, sir. - And cut.
Don't worry about my past.
That stuff's behind me. I'm not doing that anymore.
- Thank you. Thank you. - I'm not violent.
No, it's not "thank you." This is my show, and I'm gonna do it.
- Or I'm gonna take it. Who wants a...? - Security!
Security, I'll get you too. You'll never take me alive!
This is my show! I want it! I want it!
Colonel Qaddafi, he's the head of a country.
Pretty stupid. He makes himself a colonel.
I move my head and I...
Yeah, you with the bald head, I'm getting the glare. It's like, hello.
You can't fool us. He's combing it over, saying, "Hey, nobody will know."
- That's a good one. - And cut.
[ENGLISH]